Rolling the Dice

I saw a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert recently that read

"I fully believe that one of the greatest gifts I have given my children is the example of a mother who pursues her passions like a motherfucker."

I like that quote. That quote momentarily diminished the recurring fear that I have dragged my daughters down a path of unknowns and sacrifices that will leave them scarred, anxious and guaranteed at least two full years of intense therapy at some point in their adult life.  "I have taught them to be brave and to take risks and to be persistent in the face of adversity" I tell myself.  About an hour after reading Ms. Gilbert's profound words, I wondered how the path of an entrepreneur and all the variables and unknowns is different from taking their college savings to a Black Jack table in Vegas.  The truth is, from a pure statistical standpoint, the odds might be better in Vegas.  In my heart of hearts I believe what I am brining to the market is a sure thing, is needed and has been proven.  That is the belief that keeps me moving forward every day, but the fear is still there.  It has just become something I live with and try not to think about too much or it would paralyze me.

The farther I go down this entrepreneurial road, the more intense the roller coaster ride seems to be. The highs are higher which makes the lows seem even lower, the closer I am to that large investor, big contract or high profile advisor, the more time frames matter and the stronger the sting when something doesn't go as planned.  Rolling with the punches is a gross understatement.  Every day I feel as if I'm a circus performer juggling fiery torches while walking a high wire without a safety net.  I don't let myself think too long about the leap I took two months ago when I quit the job I really enjoyed, a government job with amazing benefits, to focus full time on my software.  Now, with diminishing funds, a tech product in transition to a new team that I just met and waiting customers, I spend every day focusing on the success that I can see just around the corner.  It is so very close but dependent on a great deal of factors that I can't completely control.  I am excited but just as equally afraid.  That is all this post is about really, being afraid and questioning the risks. Hopefully it will simply help someone else who is afraid, to know that I am afraid too and I am doing things every day that I have never done before. There are no tips or advice in this installment, just honest self doubt. I have moments of real fear that I will again be picking change from under my floor mats to get money for gas like I did when I was in college, that I will be serving up a big helping of ramen noodles for dinner and have to call AT&T to ask for an extension to pay my cell phone bill.  It's crazy how in my 20's I did those things and it sucked but it didn't seem as scary is it does now.  It seems more unbearable now that I have spent 20 years not doing it and I have people depending on me, family, friends and people I don't even really know who have made significant investments of time and money because they believe in me and my product.

Last week my husband said something to me that hit me at my core. It was one of those lazy statements made just before drifting off to sleep, eyes closed, lying in bed watching TV.  I was giving him the lowdown of the day about some delays in development and he said his usual, reassuring "Everything will work out Love"  but this time he followed with "You take risks I don't think I would have taken."  Now, to put the punch of this statement in perspective, you should know a little bit about my husband.  He was a punk rock teenager who left the comfort of his Minnehaha Parkway home to live in the streets..by choice.  He then traveled all over the world while keeping his few belongings in garbage bags and lived life by the seat of his pants which took him on many dangerous and sometimes unsavory  adventures.  He is an artist for God's sake and embraces every characteristic of that title.  He has lived a most unconventional and envy inducing rich life and experienced things I have only seen portrayed on film.  I took risks he wouldn't have taken? Are you kidding me?! It may not surprise you, he didn't drift off to sleep as planned.  This may be because I immediately jumped squarely on top of him with my face two inches from his, requesting clarification on his statement. "What do you mean?" I demanded.  He replied "Just that I don't think I would have been comfortable with so many variables with people depending on me."  He followed up by assuring me he thinks I am doing all the right things and doesn't think I should change anything but he wouldn't have taken the same risks had he had children (he is a stepfather to my daughters).  I pretended I was satisfied with the clarification, rolled off of him and let him sleep but I kept thinking about it because he's the biggest gambler and lover of the actual living of life I know.  For him to say I took more risk than he would have was profound to me.

My husband's statement was a turning point for me, it changed how I view my commitment to this endeavor and it changed how I see myself in an important way. Am I delusional? Is every entrepreneur delusional? Is it that delusion and persistence that makes the difference, that sets the successes apart from the failures? Sometimes I am truly amazed I have taken this as far as I have, that I continue to overcome obstacles and bring together, through some miracle, the pieces that need to be in place to make this a reality. What if I fail, would I do this again? I tell myself I would not, I tell myself if for some crazy reason I was completely wrong and this ends up going nowhere, I am getting a stable and secure job and maxing out my retirement contributions.  I have to believe that because the thought that I may be crazy enough to go through this all again, and maybe even again after that, makes me more than a passionate motherfucker, it makes me a straight up crazy motherfucker.

Courting a Coder

     A few months ago I was fortunate to get a great piece of advice from Casey Allen, current tribal leader at Health Rising.  I was explaining my pressing need for a great developer to take over my software platform, ideally to continue as a co-founder and lead a growing tech team.  Casey told me that finding a good developer is a lot like dating.  He was right.  Prior to that enlightening moment at Spyhouse Coffee, I thought I would simply make it known I was in the market for a developer to take on maintenance, updates and continued development of my amazing, brilliant, potentially high revenue producing product. I'd probably post it on Linkedin, TECHdotMN, Tweet it out etc..Surely there would be .net coders looking for work and some ownership in a cool new start-up.  Thank God Casey set me straight.

Coders are not all alike. First off, there should be a site, much like a dating site that connects the idea people with the developers because it is a lot like dating.  Just because a developer knows the language your product is coded in doesn't mean you want the same things or you communicate in human language, together, effectively.  It would save a lot of time if you could both really lay out what you're looking for in a technical relationship and list your deal breakers right up front.  Some developers are only interested in a part time gig for hourly pay, they don't want a long term relationship or even a commitment to one project.  Even if you think your product is beautiful and smart and interesting, you won't get them to commit. They like to play the field, jump from project to project and have no desire to settle down with one company or venture.  Some developers are open to a combination so to speak, they will commit a certain percentage of their time to your project but they will still work on other projects on the side as they intrigue them. This is the equivalent to a toothbrush in your medicine cabinet but don't go expecting a sleep over drawer, to use a dating analogy.  Having this information from the beginning would be helpful for both parties involved. Oh, and don't go thinking you can pretty up your product to entice the non-committal coder into a long term relationship. This is highly unlikely as developers, in my experience, are pretty clear about what they are and are not willing to do.  Which brings me to my next point.

Coders are in high demand and great ones are about as hard to find as that 22 year old thoughtful, sweet, monogamous Ben Affleck lookalike you were searching for in college (or now, sorry Ben).  Everyone thinks they have an amazing idea for an application that is going to change the world and make them rich.  Everyone is looking for a kick ass developer to bring their idea to fruition so you better be clear about what makes yours the best and will be the most exciting.  It's not all about money for coders either.  Oh no, some of them will be engaged by the idea and the amount of freedom they will have in creation of the product.  All of them will be assessing what it would be like to work with you and that alone can make or break the potential for a relationship.  Check yourself and act accordingly. Don't act like you know more than you do and be open and respectful.

Coders are special.  One of the most important things I can tell you about courting a coder is that they are unique in every way, some more so than others.  I often wonder what profession the coders I meet would be in if not for our current technology. I met with a coder just this week who, after about an hour long presentation on my product, told me "This is very exciting to me."  I was shocked because he looked about as excited as I look while loading the dishwasher.  They are not always easy to read.  Do not, I repeat do not EVER treat a developer like they are disposable. It is not as if you can just hire any old developer to take what is in your head and make it real or good.  This thought indicates you are, in fact, an idiot and is not what you want to lead with.  Great coders are artistic, superior problem solvers, incredible processors of information, master multi-taskers and the bottom line is, they know how to do something you don't so show some respect. If you are able to find a developer or a team who also communicates well with you and explains things in a way you understand, you have found gold my friend.  I have met some of these rare creatures, Casey Helbling founder of Software for Good is one, John O'Neil at the Nerdery is another.  Treat them right, be gracious and they will try to help you. They may introduce you to people who can help you realize your goals and even people you didn't know you needed to know.  If they choose to collaborate with you and their desires match your own….magic can happen.  I haven't figured the exact dynamics of what that relationship looks like long term.  However, I think I am on the verge of a real committed engagement and I can hardly contain my excitement.  I'll keep you posted.

The Fire Within

The purpose of this blog is primarily to share what I've learned on my entrepreneurial journey and to hopefully create a network of support for female entrepreneurs.  As it turns out, I am currently one of very few women who has decided to develop a software product and found a company based on that product. Who knew?

A little bit about me, I came to this by accident.  I mean, I came to develop software by accident. I think the entrepreneurial part has always been there and is a result of several circumstances. It is hard to say if any one of those circumstances played a bigger role in making me who I am than the other.  I was abandoned by my father and while this didn't destroy me or define who I was or am, it created a core belief that I needed to prove I am worthy. Worthy of what you may wonder? Worthy of anything, love, success, friends, accomplishment, children, water, air etc..etc…I mention this because it is only recently, at 45 years old that I realize I have this constant drive to prove something. Fortunately, in my particular case my perceived value is tied to helping people or solving a problem and doing so in a way that is exceedingly better than anyone has done it before. I won't lie, this can be exhausting and fuels a determination that has been annoying I'm sure to the many individuals I have worked with over the years. An exasperated "That's just the way we've always done it" usually accompanied by a head shake and an eye roll, has come my way more times than I can count. It is typically in response to an in depth line of questioning that I suspect is far to similar to the Spanish Inquisition. I am sorry, I can't help it. I need to know stuff.

One of the other primary components that make me susceptible to entrepreneurship, is that I grew up every day of my childhood living with a female entrepreneur. My grandmother started a ceramic business in our home shortly after I was born and when she was over the age of 50. My mother and I lived with my grandparents who were integral to my upbringing. My grandparents worked together in this home business. My grandmother taught classes in the basement to ladies in the community and my grandpa handled mixing the slip and pouring the molds in the garage.  A few times a week, the noise could be heard all the way upstairs as women laughed, shared stories and created their own version of art in our dust filled basement. Several times per year my grandparents went to local craft festivals and malls to sell their wares and I was expected to help. I spent many a summer weekend at various flea markets all over Minnesota helping my grandparents sell everything from cookie jars to Christmas trees.

  This was my grandparent's sole means of income.  I learned from birth that making something and selling it, is a viable way to make a living. I also saw that my grandmother loved what she did.  I was privy to the variability of the financial aspect of it but my grandparents chose to live a fairly minimal life. There were no vacations or dinners out at restaurants. There were no credit cards or financing things like furniture.  There was certainly talk of how much money needed to be made at the next sale to cover the next installment of property taxes but it was always met and sometimes even exceeded. I saw the immediate sense of accomplishment my grandmother experienced when her sales goals were met. By the time I was 5,  I was painting ceramic Easter eggs and putting them in styrofoam egg containers to carry around the neighborhood to sell door to door.  The indoctrination was complete. Add to that the fact that my grandmother was farming me out to local town folk to clean their homes, iron their husbands shirts and babysit their children so I could earn money for my private school tuition and it became quite clear, I knew you can make things or provide services to earn money.   As I became an adult, I understood this experience is fairly unique and was key to the person I am today.

I went on to college because education was very important to my grandparents and my mother. They felt a college education would give me a life without the financial variability they had experienced and therefore my life would be easier.  What they didn't know was that the deed was done, the veil had been lifted and I saw the possibilities and advantages of entrepreneurship.  Even while working at the career I had been trained for, I always supplemented with things like selling real estate, spa products, high end baskets and whatever else came my way.  I couldn't help myself and I excelled at it mostly because I had that God forsaken drive to do it better than anyone else.  A compulsion to not leave well enough alone when encountering a system that could be better.  About 5 years ago I took my experience in healthcare and the frustration of caregiving for my mother after a stroke and developed a professional patient advocacy model.  This model was solely based on a theory that if someone with medical knowledge was coordinating care and advocating for best delivery of that care, quality of life would be improved and medical errors diminished.  It was just a theory but it proved to be true.  I got my first client, then another and another all by word of mouth.  I helped these families navigate health crisis', chronic illness, end of life decisions and planning and transitions into higher levels of care such as assisted living.  I dealt with complex family dynamics, mental illness and senior citizens who were losing some level of control and were none too happy about it.  What was certain was that I was helping and providing solutions, which I thrived on.

Fairly early into this endeavor, I saw how technology could make the process easier and more efficient.  Surely it would be better if I could communicate in real time with families and care teams rather than sending batch emails giving updates and fielding communication from companions, home health workers and visiting rehabilitation specialists.  Storing medication lists, insurance cards and health records in folders on kitchen cabinets would be much more efficient if held someplace on the web where it was accessible but only to people to whom you chose to give access.  What if I could also measure and trend biometrics like blood sugar, daily weights and oxygen use as well so physicians could monitor these trends and offer guidance preventing a health crisis.  I searched long and hard for such a product but couldn't fine one.  This is how I came to develop software.  I created a prototype to use with my clients and it worked.  It did all I thought it would do and much more than I could have ever anticipated.  From there, it has taken on a life of it's own and I am the nurturer of this ever growing but often fragile, seemingly living thing.  It was an accident like the baby you didn't plan for but now couldn't imagine your life without (yes, I had one of those too).

While the highs and lows are often agonizing and completely time consuming, I find I must see it through.  I will defend it,  fight for it, beg for money to fund it and trample anyone who makes the slightest attempt to damage it in any way.  God help anyone who tries to stop me. Won't you join me on this exciting adventure of courting investors, working with coders, marketing, selling, building a brand all while raising teenage daughters, caring for a disabled mother and building a life with a new husband.  Maybe you too suffer from an unyielding drive to improve a process, outsell anyone and a (semi) delusional belief that you can change the world. Grab a whip, pull up a chair and fasten your seat belt.  It certainly is a bumpy ride.